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%%username%%.diaryland.com if i told you this was killing me would you stop?
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[Sunday, Apr. 25, 2004 @ 6:34 am]
I don't know. holding her. feeling her. kissing her. touching her. it's just so. wonderful. so wonderful it hurts. it burns. every minute i spend with her is bliss and it hurts because it feels like i'll never really have that to myself agian. i didn't really deserve it anyway. i don't know. i don't really care i guess. i just want her happy. that's what matters. i told cas i loved her. cas doesn't think that's a good thing. i don't know. i do. so much. so so so much. she kept doing these little twirly things. and dancing. so cute. so drop dead cute. gah she threw rocks at me. she fell in a creek. she said that she didn't like today. cause nothing happened. between her and i. i disagree. i wasn't planning on holding her. kissing her. touching her. i knew it would be too much. i feel like it's gone. i feel her but i feel her gone cason told me that daniel was a "stupid fucking skater poser that's like shorter than me and weighs less than you and i wanna fucking kill him" can i join? i don't know. it just doesn't seem fair. but as alex would say, life's not fair. never has been. never will be. i don't know. i guess i sort of wanted something to happen. but at this point i just want to lay down with her. and hold her. and never let her go. and stay in that one place till i die. i want to die in her arms. not here in this chair. but in her arms. not here, crying, wishing for things that seem so distant. in her arms. in her heart. in her eyes. her everything. know forever that i love you. whether i survive tonight. or tomorrow. i don't know. i just want to die. anything to stop this feeling in my heart of lost hope. absolutely no hope. my god. i thought i'd changed. i really believed that i was different. but i'm not. i want to be used. i ask for it. i beg for it. i want to be hurt. i enjoy it. life is loss and i enjoy every fucking heartbreaking minute of it. just being with her hurt so much. and yet at the same time. it was so perfect. at one point, cason and mona had ran to go to the movie. and i was holding her. cause she was cold. and it was so perfect. and i even said so. i wish this moment would last forever. cason fucked it up. but still. now i think about it and i cry. i cry for us. i cry for me. i cry for you. i cry cause i pretend. i pretend that i'm in control. like i can make myself not love you. like i could stop calling you. like i could not touch you. i pretend i'm better. i pretend i'm together. all i do it is pretend. i'm tired of pretending. but the moment i stop the world comes crashing down. i'm not strong. i'm not together. i'm not better. i'm not anything. i'm just me. i'm just a 15 year old girl who wants to die. i'm just a 15 year old girl that loves you so much. so much that it hurts. i'm just me. i'm just me. i've felt things i never thought i'd be able to feel again. including love. i never wanted to love agian. not after her. alex. part of me still cares about her. but not near as much as rayquel. obviously my mind wants to write poetry, as i keep acidentially rhyming. oh well. i will in a minute. i don't really know anymore. i know few things. so i can actually list them
1. I love her i just. i want to say one more thing. Rayquel. Whatever happens. Between us. With you. I just want you to know. That I will always love you. You've forever burned your love in me. And nothing, short of death, can take that away. And even in death, my headstone would mention you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amanda Jennings ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ okay. i'll end with this. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ neverendingabsolutecompleteandtotallove what more do you want from me? i'm only human i'm only flesh and blood
take me break me
part of me cares but part of me doesn't
but something
there are too many reasons to die
your mouth is like a funeral
i'm only human
i'm only flesh and blood
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