shadyslayer's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tired of breathing "You really do love her don't you? Gah she's so stupid..." -- Cason i really do love him. ---- sadly enough i cried all day today. everyone kept speaking to me. but i couldn't hear any of them. ---- cason and i are doing animal sounds on the phone now. baaa. ---- oh. i wrote a song in like five seconds. well. the chords anyway. i haven't gotten to the words part. and cason has wrote an AWESOME song. so much writing to do. ---- the last episode of Angel is on tonight. i guess i can officially say goodbye to that chapter in my life? i never talk to any of them anymore. maybe cas. i started talking to heather agian. i like talking to cas. but i've changed so much in the past 4 months. so so so so so much. i've become a completely different person. which is why, cas, (if you're reading this), i asked you to tell me who i was. cause i honestly don't know. i'm different. you know, with my friends, with rayquel, i'm amanda. with ya'll i'm...shades. honestly those two people can be completely different. i'm so used to being weak, stupid, amanda now that i. i miss the power of shades. i miss that. i miss the laughter, i miss it. i miss it all. but i'm okay with being me now. i guess. if she's okay with it. cason loves amanda. i know that. he loves *me*. i'm pretty positive she does. but. i don't know. sometimes i think she's bored with me. that she wants me just to disapear already. so she can move on with her life. but you know. she tells me i'm forever. that i'm the only one she's ever felt like for. i guess. i know. i should just believe and trust her. but she also told me she couldn't even conceive being with anyone else but me. i don't know. i just don't know anymore and i've tried to kill myself so many times this week. last night i took a "bath". so close. i don't know. i just want this to be over with already. i just want her to come back home already. cause home is in my arms. and i hate this. i hate it all. i hate him, i hate the way she makes me feel (the i hate myself, i'm not good enough feeling).... but i remember the good times and i know how happy i am with her i guess i'll just do what i was going to do. and wait. cause i WILL NEVER meet someone like her agian. and i know...oh god do i know...that she is my soul mate. i am meant to spend the rest of my life with her. and i guess that that's enough 8:13 pm - Wednesday, May. 19, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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