i feel so hot and coldi don't know if i want her here
or if i wanna be alone
it's hard sometimes, you know? i really just want her to be my friend. and to understand, for one minute, how hard this is for ME. sometimes i think that she's so goddamn selfish. cause all i can think about is how hard this is for her. i take that into consideration. i don't even hear an i'm sorry. and maybe she's not sorry. maybe that's why. i don't know.
i just don't know if she gets how much this hurts.
for five seconds i wish she could put herself in my shoes, and feel what i feel.
she just seems so apathetic.
though i know she's not. it's just a face she puts on for everyone.
sometimes i think that she just likes to pretend. that like me, she likes to pretend in things. but the illusion can only last for so long.
how many times do i have to say i'm tired of pretending?
i just want something real. something so real that it makes me shake.
she does that.
but i don't think i do that for her.
but maybe she doesn't want what i want.
maybe she doesn't want to be real.
maybe she likes to pretend.
i don't know.
i hope this doesn't piss her off. all i seem to do lately is make her angry.
hell, that's all i seem to do with everyone lately.
yeah. life sucks.
i know she loves me. i know that. she's told me too many times for me not to believe that. but. i'm just so goddamn lonely. i'm so lonely it hurts. i don't know.
i'm on the phone with her right now.
i have a feeling i'll make her angry.
audible sigh
we're both so bored. yeah, i guess i'm supposed to entertain her. lol. probably not, but i'd like to believe that. makes things easier to think she doesn't like me. i guess. then agian it makes everything so horrible that i feel like dying. it saddens me how empty i've become over this. i always do this. when i fall in love, i give everything. i give every goddamn piece of me.
and it seems that nobody ever gives anything back.
sure, they give some.
but i know someday
there may not be anything left at all
and i'll just be filled with the overwhelming emptyness that i feel right now.
sigh
life is too complicated.