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%%username%%.diaryland.com yeah i feel like i'm "watching me fall"
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[Wednesday, Jun. 02, 2004 @ 12:23 pm]
i feel so hot and cold i don't know if i want her here or if i wanna be alone it's hard sometimes, you know? i really just want her to be my friend. and to understand, for one minute, how hard this is for ME. sometimes i think that she's so goddamn selfish. cause all i can think about is how hard this is for her. i take that into consideration. i don't even hear an i'm sorry. and maybe she's not sorry. maybe that's why. i don't know. i just don't know if she gets how much this hurts. for five seconds i wish she could put herself in my shoes, and feel what i feel. she just seems so apathetic. though i know she's not. it's just a face she puts on for everyone. sometimes i think that she just likes to pretend. that like me, she likes to pretend in things. but the illusion can only last for so long. how many times do i have to say i'm tired of pretending? i just want something real. something so real that it makes me shake. she does that. but i don't think i do that for her. but maybe she doesn't want what i want. maybe she doesn't want to be real. maybe she likes to pretend. i don't know. i hope this doesn't piss her off. all i seem to do lately is make her angry. hell, that's all i seem to do with everyone lately. yeah. life sucks. i know she loves me. i know that. she's told me too many times for me not to believe that. but. i'm just so goddamn lonely. i'm so lonely it hurts. i don't know. i'm on the phone with her right now. i have a feeling i'll make her angry. audible sigh we're both so bored. yeah, i guess i'm supposed to entertain her. lol. probably not, but i'd like to believe that. makes things easier to think she doesn't like me. i guess. then agian it makes everything so horrible that i feel like dying. it saddens me how empty i've become over this. i always do this. when i fall in love, i give everything. i give every goddamn piece of me. and it seems that nobody ever gives anything back. sure, they give some. but i know someday there may not be anything left at all and i'll just be filled with the overwhelming emptyness that i feel right now. sigh life is too complicated.
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