%%username%%.diaryland.com
i don't even know
[Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004 @ 10:54 pm]
why don't i care anymore?

that's what's really killing me.

the fact that i want to care. i want to be trying to call her every minute. i want to me trying to talk to her every day.

but i'm not.

because i don't know what i'd say.

and the fact that we're not really talking? i want it to bother me. i want it to kill me. but it doesn't. why doesn't it?

i have been so overwrought with emotion i've completely shut down.

i have little moments. like when she showed me pictures of herself. or last night, when i was reading oscar wilde's biography, and caught myself looking at her pictures. or when i walked into the kitchen, and had to place my hand over the spot where she sat. i have my moments. where it's all too much. and i break down. crying for hours.

but the rest of the day. it's like i block it all out. i've completely shut down.

i wish i could talk to her. i want to. i do. but.

i don't know what i'd say.

i think. that maybe we should just give it time. maybe after some time apart. we'd actually be able to be FRIENDS. or something. i don't know. i just don't know anymore.

i'll go back to talking to sarah and keith.

...who are both hitting on me.

jesus. this is the part i hate about being single.