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%%username%%.diaryland.com i don't even know
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[Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004 @ 10:54 pm]
why don't i care anymore? that's what's really killing me. the fact that i want to care. i want to be trying to call her every minute. i want to me trying to talk to her every day. but i'm not. because i don't know what i'd say. and the fact that we're not really talking? i want it to bother me. i want it to kill me. but it doesn't. why doesn't it? i have been so overwrought with emotion i've completely shut down. i have little moments. like when she showed me pictures of herself. or last night, when i was reading oscar wilde's biography, and caught myself looking at her pictures. or when i walked into the kitchen, and had to place my hand over the spot where she sat. i have my moments. where it's all too much. and i break down. crying for hours. but the rest of the day. it's like i block it all out. i've completely shut down. i wish i could talk to her. i want to. i do. but. i don't know what i'd say. i think. that maybe we should just give it time. maybe after some time apart. we'd actually be able to be FRIENDS. or something. i don't know. i just don't know anymore. i'll go back to talking to sarah and keith. ...who are both hitting on me. jesus. this is the part i hate about being single.
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