%%username%%.diaryland.com
for once, length. haha.
[Sunday, Jul. 11, 2004 @ 5:21 pm]
gah now i'm back to it again.

she wanted to talk to me. she seemed happy to talk to me.

and it all hooked me from the moment i said hello.

so now it hurts. it all hurts. not as much as it should, but it hurts. underneath all of it. i'm just ignoring it.

i woke up at 8 AM. about the time she was leaving.

i cried for like 20 minutes because i knew she was gone, for like almost a whole week, with *him*. you know. she asks, "do you think i'm stupid?" no. it's not her that i think is stupid. it's not her that i don't trust. it's the rest of the world.

what am i, her mother?

gah i feel like it sometimes.

i don't know. cas asked me why i called her. why didn't i just say, no? i shouldn't have been on the phone anyway. phone bills.

but i did.

because?

i love her. so much. i really do.

..sigh. like most relationships, when it's good, it's *really good*..and when it's bad, it's horrible.

we have EXTREME ups and downs.

i was thinking today about that comment alex made.

"You only dated her because she was like me."

that's so wrong. I dated her because she WASN'T alex. she was the FARTHEST THING from alex in existence. how they looked, the things they liked, how they acted...so different. completely different people.

they're both just GIRLS and have a knack for leading people on in a major way.

but girls do that. hell, even i do it a bit.

i'm not really even flirting with people. they flirt with me. i react.

i'm gonna hurt a *lot* of people in the next couple of months.

i like them, too. they're not bad people. they don't deserve it.

but i'm a jackass, so...

i wonder who all reads this?

i wish i could like, get a name count, or something.

i made a bot. on aim. i was bored. it's

fall3nbot

so. if you're bored...

i want something to DO...

QUEER AS FOLK IS ON TONIGHT! *dances*

and and and and

i watched I Love the 90's! today!

i can't wait till rayquel gets back so i can watch it with her. because that is the only way in which it shall be fun. is if i watch it with her.

gah we really do know eachother pretty well, as far as, what we like and stuff. and i think we understand eachother to a point, and...

i think we know eachother...just as much as we want to. we know as much as the other will allow, as much as we ourselves want to know.

i realize i fucked up our realtionship from the beginning. it just took me so by suprise.

i'm hoping maybe in the future she'll give me a chance to make up for that.

..though i think i've upped her standards, a bit. at least she's not dating keith. lmao.

i'm kidding,

keith's a good guy. i like him. i just wish he'd stop hitting on me.

he wants me to teach him how to kiss.

ugh.

sad.

now. i shall be updating in here everyday till she gets back.

because she told me to, and she never told me not to, so i shall do what i was told to do. because i am a good girl.

i hope wonder if she took frank the bunny and her dora pillow with her. probably not. oh well. *shrug*

i wanna tell her something. about the whole, "i have your stuff, you've got mine.." thing.

i don't want to give her stuff back.

i mean, i want my stuff back, but then again, i don't wanna give her back her stuff. because. honestly?

i feel like that stuff. is all i have left of her. all i have left of the love of my life. and that's. kind of sad. but it's all i have.

don't take that away. please.

*shrug*

now i'll go make amy food.

buh-bye