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fun night. deep thoughts.
[Tuesday, Jul. 20, 2004 @ 12:23 am]
we watched the butterfly effect tonight.

me, cason, mona, and keith.

it was fun.

i cried for most of the movie.

yeah. mona and cason were comforting. mona was all like. "awww..she's pouting.." and cason would be like.."aww..do you want a hug?"

i thought they were being sarcastic but they weren't.

yeah. i was crying. as usual.

i tried to hold it in but i couldn't.

he gave everything for her.

kept going back, trying to fix everything.

but he couldn't

in the end, it was best that she had just never knew him.

i wish it was that simple. i wish i could take it with a smile.

everything. for her.

keith and i talked. it's obvious what we talked about. i won't say exactly what we said though. but it helps to talk to him. it seems as if he's the only one who really understands. i mean. david was a jackass to her. he really was. i love him, but he was. ...that and i love her more so she automatically wins. ha! but yeah. talking to him helps.

but he's suuuuch a rich bastard.

mona and cason are really on the rocks. mona thinks that, to cason, she is the most important thing in his life. the thing he cares about the most. it's true, and she's right. i wish she'd understand that that's not a bad thing. and that. it's his life. he gets to set his own priorities. and she should be happy about it. cause not many guys would care about her as much as cason.

and cason tries to take it all. it's gonna end up killing him, just from holding it in. i wish he wouldn't just take this. he's not going to be able to.

cause he's really falling for her badly.

he'll be fine, i mean, if i'm alive (barely, sure.) he will be. but he's not as strong as me with this. but he's never had as much guts as i have.

i'm gonna go doodle with keith in a minute.

but yeah. before i go. i'd just like to say i'm back to sanity.

her leaving...it put me in a place. i was happy. i was content with it all. i could wait. i could at least...date... when she came back. whether we're talking or not. i realized that i'm not going to be able to ever really move on. and keith's right. i shouldn't if i don't want to. if i can't, then i shouldn't push it. if i meet someone amazing...then sure. but i doubt i will. because she is amazing.

talking to mona the other night about her. analyzing her.

she's so complicated. but then again, she's not. she saids i don't know her. but you know. i only know what i'm given. and i have her "psychicness". but more so. trey and i have deeply talked about it and we both know we're empaths. but he's right. i enjoy tearing people apart. i didn't with her. i never had. i never analyzed her at all.

till i became alone.

and then. i had so much time. to thin. and analyze.

and so i explained to mona all my thoughts. theories. explanations.

how amazing she is. how horrible she can be. she's human. only human. i never made her out to be any less than that. but she can be so much more. and whatever way she tries i know she'll get there. whether it's through god, or something else. she can do whatever she wants in life if she puts her mind to it.

i realize how much keith really loves her. it's funny too. cause it's like. he realizes, or at least, tells me, or acts like, or whatever...that he wouldn't have a chance next to me. but he does love her. just as much as i do. we'd both do anything for her. she has no idea how much she is loved. no idea.

ha.

walking with keith and mona and cason. mona's walking fast. i hold her shirt. keith. "haha..that reminds me of rayquel when she's hyper..." me. "yeah she's so cuuuuuuute when she's hyper..." keith. "yeah. she really is."

yeah him and i are bonding. and he's flirting with me. it's nice. to know you're not completely unwanted and unneeded. cason needs me. i have the feeling he's going to need me a lot.

we'll just, go into our hole now, okay?

ha. we should. the both of us. just stay in cason's room all day and do nothing. seems like that'd be the best thing for us to do.

-----

we were talking about that too.

the voids we have in our hearts. me for my dad. him for his mom and his dad. we're both missing something so badly. we fill it differently. music. politics. love. hate. god. we have our different ways. but it's what it is. filling that void. of hurt. of unwant. i think mona and rayquel do it too. mona's filled it with god. rayquel...well. love. she knows that's all that can fill it. love. so she wants love in every form. every single form. spiritual, physical, everything. she wants love. so do i.

but you know. as for their relationship. i just hope keith's right. i shall trust him. cause he's the only one. well. not the only one. but he understands. so yeah. i shall trust him.

i'm so glad he doesn't hold a grudge.

wow that was long.

*goes to watch but i'm a cheerleader*