shadyslayer's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"it's the luck of the draw...\" I have to say this. There is so many things that have happened in my life that I've never put in here. People I've hurt too much to talk about it. Times I've hurt myself too much to talk about it. Sometimes things happen and I just don't wanna talk about it. I realize the majority of what is in this Diary is stuff about politics, religion, and my love life. That is not all I am. I've done so much more than that, and. I still don't want to talk about it. But I think I eventually will. This girl, Kate. I don't know what she's causing in me but...it's a near revolution. She...is a mirror image of myself a few years ago. Total mirror image. The problems with drugs, (though it's sorta different) the emotions of love and hate and not knowing the differece between the two, the just wanting to be HELD AND KISSED by ANYONE, the need for safety, the fear of never getting it... I had to find these things on my own. The only person in my life that made me stable, the only PEOPLE in my life that make me stable...will abandon me, and have, on will. They get busy, they get selfish, they forget. That's okay, I understand. I'm busy and selfish too. But it just made me realize just how ALONE I really was. Then I met Kate. Kate, who has a serious drug problem. Who has a reputation of a "slut". Who is probably completely GAY, but just wants EVERYONE to hold and kiss her, so she says she's bi. I can't help but want to save her. From everything she's gotten herself into, and the things she's been forced into. I've asked her to stop doing all drugs. So, I've had to stop too. Which is good for both of us. She wants me to trust her. I want her to trust me. She does. I told her I cared, and that I wasn't going to give up on her. That I'd be here for her, whenever she needed someone to talk to. She told me that she loved me. I told her not to say that. I told her to wait to say that. She said okay... She so completely different than anyone I've ever been around, or with. The hugs and kisses she does with people...it means nothing more than, "Love me..."...and I'm cool with it. She's not a monogomus person, and I understand. But she cares about me...and even if she didn't...It's not about me. It's about her feeling better about herself, and becoming a better person. The other day I hugged her tight...she put her head on my shoulder...said softely.."I'm safe here...." She is. I could fall in love with her. After last friday, and a week of holding hands and long awaited kisses...I know it. It scares me. But I'm pushing my fears away. There's no point in being afraid of the inevitable. So I'm opening my heart to her. I'm giving her my all. Maybe SHE will except everything I have to give to her. Hopefully... so yeah. There's my lovely update. 10:36 am - Saturday, Oct. 02, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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