%%username%%.diaryland.com
"You show your pain..like it really hurts..."
[Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2004 @ 7:36 pm]
i took my love, i took it down

climbed a mountain and i turned around

and i saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

'til the landslide brought it down

oh, mirror in the sky

-what is love?

-can the child within my heart rise above?

-can i sail thru the changin' ocean tides?

-can i handle the seasons of my life?

i don't know.....

well, i've been afraid of changin'

'cause i've built my life around you

but time makes you bolder

even children get older

and i'm getting older too

oh, take my love, take it down

climb a mountain and turn around

-and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

well the landslide will bring it down

-and if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

well the landslide will bring it down

the landslide will bring it down

Am I falling yet again for someone who will break my heart? She asks me, "So are you dating?", I say, "No, never again."...she looks at me a minute and then says, "You'll get over that..."

Then she asks why, "Why are you so scared of relationships?"

I don't wanna answer that. I fake an answer, but she doesn't believe me. I say, "I don't know.." and shrug, gently. She looks at me. Puts her hand on my shoulder, and asks again. "What's wrong?" I refuse to answer. No, not yet. I don't know you. You don't know me. And I don't want you to. No one can, anymore... I no longer trust it. I can't. Everytime I trust someone, they fail me. They break that trust, in someway or other. I always have to be the Adult. The reliable one. I'd have to do that with her. Cheating on her boyfriend, several times. Breaking up with him, dating several people at once. I couldn't do that. I am not CANNON FODDER. I'd have to lay it down. Me, and no one else, or just friends with me. Messing around? Please. I stopped that, and for good reason.

But then.

It's third period, and I have band. We walk out to the field, and she comes up beside me. She pokes me, laughs, and grabs my waist. We walk together.

It's lunch time. I'm talking to Conrad and Victoria. Suddenly, someone's hands are over my eyes. I know who's they are, but I play along. Then I say, in a curious manner, "...um..Kate?" She spazzes, turns me around and says, "How did you knooow??" I look at her with a smirk, then say, "Well...you've got these tiny girly hands..." She pouts, forces me to give her a hug.

It's the hugs that kill me.

They remind me..the same way...everytime.

but not, you know? It's like, familure, but not. Not the same feeling. With...I always had the feeling of Destiny. Fate. of, "this was meant to be." completely, and totally, meant to be. I felt so complete and perfect in her arms. but with this...

it's just a feeling of.."OH MY GOD SOMEONE LIKES ME!!" Someone who's my TYPE EVEN!

Yeah, she's forcing me into bad habits to flirt with her. But, you know...I was gonna try it anyway. And I'm already stopping. lmao. cause of Band. I dun wanna fuck that up. She's so stupid though...

Tuesday night. We're out on the field. It's break time. We're over by the steps. She runs up to me, give me a hug. Grabs my waist and pulls me over to her. Pissing off her boyfriend, I could tell. "Not in front of me..." that was the look. And I felt horrible. I tore myself away, looked for Conrad. Talked to him a bit. Watched her boyfriend, Forrest, and her suck up airduster. Aerosal. idiots. One of her friends steals it, and walks over to the Water coolers. We look for him..they find him, Kate grabs it from him, and takes a big hit. she passes out. I'm scared, worried. Forrest goes back to the line, too high to care. I bend over, telling Conrad to get water. Make sure she's breathing, she was. He gives me water, I splash it on her face, she wakes up. I try to get her to stand, she won't. "no..wait..dude..just wait a minute..oh man..god..wait.." Mrs.Costello comes over to us. Yells at me to get in line. Always yelling at me, man. I finally pick her up, despite protest. Get her on her feet. Conrad making her drink water. Me lecturing her not to do that again. I couldn't help but be angry at Forrest for just ditching her, but...he was too high to care. Too involved with being a reckless teenager to care about the well-being of someone he "Loved".

It just all keeps coming back to me. This. Her. The fact that I still keep....pictures and a note in my wallet. The fact that pictures are still on my wall. That i refuse to let go of those dreams and ambitions that...gave to me....the first and only one to do that. and the last, I'm sure. so much hope. so much want, need, feeling. it kills me sometimes, thinking about how much hope, passion, need, want, and love that I lost. But i don't wanna think about that. Even if it is part of the equation here.

I must stop thinking about this!