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%%username%%.diaryland.com RANT!
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[Friday, Jul. 30, 2004 @ 5:08 pm]
"you're gonna lose all your friends, you know that don't you?"--my mom i hope not. kat gave me the perspective i needed. helped me stop crying. i made you cry? you made me actually believe that the only person who's always been there for me was going to end up hating me. thanks a lot. you'll never understand what i feel because you don't even try. you call me selfish, yet you're probably the most selfish person i know. I am selfish, but that's human. but i also sacrifice so much. it amazes me how you've never seen how much i gave for you. i left everything i cared about so much. alex. val. cas. cason. david. the people i cared more than anything about for you, because i thought you were worth it. and you know what? you were. you were worth every minute of it. every minute i spent with you was amazing. every single minute. and yeah i made mistakes. but i'm human. you make them too. the fact of the matter is, you can't answer my questions because your answers are full of air. you know you can't compete with logic because faith is illogical. which is fine, i suppose. i've tried to respect you all. i've tried to even get into it myself. at least i know that i doubt my beliefs. because then i can accept everyone's view. anything that doesn't agree with your way isn't wrong. it's just different. you won't even listen to someone else's view, yet i have to listen to it everyday. and maybe you're ready to forsake all you really are for something that will make you stronger. but i have the belief that i will make me stronger. make no mistake: i will get what i want in life. because i want it. not because there is some "plan" for me, or because i believe in some higher being, but because i put forth the effort, time, intelligence, and work to get what i want. You don't know how i work, and you don't know what i believe. no one really does. so stop pretending you do. stop pretending you know what i'm going through when you don't even really know me. you never have. you never even tried. and i haven't even told you people, the people i've met in real life, the things of my past. none of you know who i am, none of you know what i've really been through, none of you really know me. you don't know of how my dad used to beat the shit out me when he was drunk. you don't know how i used to hide at cason's house cause there was no where else to go. you don't know how i was used by the people at the places my dad would go to to get his drugs. you don't know how i used to pray to god to save me from my father, to save my grandmother, to make my mother happy, you don't know the cries of an 8 year old who just wants everything to be okay. IF GOD LOVED ME THEN NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED TO ME. you don't know how i just pray to be loved by someone, completely, no ands or buts about it. you don't know how i think that i was meant to change the world. you don't know how much i will. you don't get how i think. you don't know me. you don't know me and you never even tried to know me. so no. you can't relate. i was falling. i really was. i was believing everything i heard of it all. i actually sat there, crying one night, wondering why i couldn't believe in it all. why couldn't i just believe? why not? what would it hurt? i cry so much at church. they say. god loves you. no he doesn't. not me. not if i am who i am. i can't imagine a god who would create faulty humans then blame them for his mistakes. god doesn't love me. i have never felt god's love. i never will, because it doesn't exist. if god does indeed exist, then i will happily go to hell. i will happily go to hell with those i love. because if a murder can go to heaven because he's been "saved", then i don't wanna be there. i'd rather be in hell with the rest of the homosexuals, who were just being themselves. i will not become straight for god, or you, or anyone. and that's the only thing i see coming out of me "converting". converting to a lie. converting to fiction. converting to denial. so take your false promises and fear and don't bother me with it. i will accept you but you'll never accept me. I have been hurt so much in my life. I have been hurt so much, and it seems as if no one really cares. Which is okay, i understand that. People are selfish, and they really only care about themselves. NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU BUT YOURSELF. this is something i learned in the back of crackhouses. so fuck you. you haven't lived long enough or been through enough to know me or be able to relate to me. ---- now that i've gotten that out...
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